Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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