4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
