Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize