Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
