My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize