Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
did you just send me my own nude
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
