I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I will pee on everything he values.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
