I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
