Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Houston, we have a blender
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
