i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
