I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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