We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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