Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
