The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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