You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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