**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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