the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
