After last night, I could never be a politician.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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