Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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