I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
