I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
