fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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