I just pynch a tree in the face
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
