So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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