I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize