I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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