Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize