Will you blow on my dice?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
