When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
