Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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