i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
