I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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