I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
