My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I am spending my child support on dildos
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
