Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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