Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
