Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
