holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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