my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
