Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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