I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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