im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize