i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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