Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
