I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize