Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
