i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
