We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
