i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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