got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize