There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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