U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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