I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
