And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
