Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
