I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
