If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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