Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize