i was born a porn star she said
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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