New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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