You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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