Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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