I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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