Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
