this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
