Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
