I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
